Where is my fairy godmother?

I could either use 1) a really fine beck & call male to help me now that it is getting more difficult for me to function or 2) my health back and return to full time work. I absolutely loved my job though not the paperwork necessarily.

I miss being part of the world. Everyone has forgotten me.

sick & confused

It is difficult not to panic when I feel really shitty or something medically wrong occurs. I don't know if it is the chemo killing off the cancer and the toxins finding a way out of my body or something seriously wrong. :/

goth chemo is working

hahaha. With the latest chemo I get, I cannot go in direct sunlight for three to five days after treatment (and one day prior) so I am stuck in my apartment until darkness descends. (I also seem to have lost some of my thought processing skills so ignore poor spelling, misused and/or missing words,etc...) I have a whole page of limitations which includes no hot/warm water/liquids and/or foods inside or on my skin. I have restricted foods so no citrus and/or other acidic foods. I cannot wear any restrictive/tight clothing. It is insane. The bottom of my hands and feet burn! I have three more days!

The good news is that the chemo is working and killing off some of the cancer. I am also feeling a little better overall. :)

neglected blog

Ahh... so much has happened since I last blogged here. At some point, I will catch up with the info of my cancer treatments. Obviously, I am still alive and fighting cancer.

I have been thinking about a lot of different things. I don't even know where to start.

12/03/2007: first chemo

I was really anxious after the whole 'code blue' incident when we tried chemo previously. This time with same meds, I decided that I needed to do this alone armed with a stuffed Grover and specific cds for my personal cd player. (That's right: old school style.) My friends would not let me drive so I was dropped off early. My oncologist switched my pre-meds (steroids, Benadryl, etc...) to i.v. form. The nurses had to watch me closely to make certain I did not collapse again. That meant that my blood pressure was taken every ten minutes or so. I started out listening to Hunter Revenge and Blaqk Audio while the pre-meds slowly entered my system. I changed to IHAV by AFI as the Taxol (chemo) was started. Then, I fell asleep and ended up sleeping through the whole procedure. I had visions of the AFI men performing live and kicking, jumping, stomping out the cancer cells. It worked. AFI (and all of their side projects) relaxes me more than any medication. I was so grateful the meds got in because I was terrified of what would happen if my body would not take them.

11/27/2007 no chemo

Ended up getting a really, really bad sinus/flu illness on the plane back to San Diego. Saw my oncologist on 11/26 who canceled my chemo that was scheduled for 11/27. Rescheduled it for 12/03/07. Went to bed for a week.

11/24/2007: twenty year high school reunion

It was a rough night for me. I was tired and had limited energy, but was excited to see so many people. I spent most of the night at my table where people brought me food and drinks and well wishes for my health. I felt so spoiled. I got to see a lot of people I will probably never see again.

I also knew that in three days, I would be attempting the same chemotherapy that knocked me on my ass.

11/24/07: high school reunion weekend

I flew back to Philly for my twenty year high school reunion. I went to high school in the suburbs of Bucks County outside of Philadelphia, but our reunion was being held in the city. My good friend, Matt, and his partner, Colin, were gracious enough to host me at their house. They were very thoughtful especially since I still had issues with stamina due to my illness. The morning of the reunion, Matt's family visited. They were my neighbors for many years and I had not seen them in over a decade. We reminisced. It was great!!

11/09: code blue, pt. II

Obviously, I survived or I would not be typing here. I ended up having to stay overnight in the hospital. They did an echocardiogram which showed that my heart is not (physically) defective. The whole ordeal was stressful especially the thought of what would happen with my cancer if I could not take treatments.

11/09: code blue

My first round of chemo was scheduled for this date. My port was stilll healing and I was cranky because I could not shower due to the port procedure. A friend accompanied me to my first chemo which was alien to me as I had always driven myself to my other appointments four years ago. She and I laughed and joked about wigs from a cancer catalogue. I was anxious and tired, but I had been through this before and was not overly concerned. When they started the chemo, I felt okay. When the nurse increased the rate of the iv drip, I felt horrible. It was like what I imagined a painful death to be. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I sat up and then suddenly felt and heard things but had no control. I remember hearing "CRASH CART" and thinking "HELL NO!!!... NO! NO! NO!" I opened my eyes and saw the whole ICU staff surrounding my bed. Apparently, my blood pressure had plummeted to sixty over forty and I had lost consciousness. FUCK!

11/07

I had to get a port implanted under my skin on the left side of my chest to access an artery because my veins are scarred and traumatized by all the previous chemos and blood draws. Things were arranged very quickly and either I did not hear the directions or things were not explained properly and in detail because I ended up having to get this thing surgically implanted WITHOUT sedation. Only local numbing was used. I was completely anxious so they made a 'tent' of sterile dressings for me. I could FEEL the pressure and needles going into me. The only thing that got me through this forty-five minute procedure was humming/moaning/whimpering a medley of AFI songs. I am dead serious. It had to sound like something dying, but the nurse told me that she enjoyed my 'medley' and that I entertained her. In my terror, I could only really remember STS and DU songs.

I am a cancer breeding ground.

It is spreading and I will start chemotherapy within the month. I have a surgery scheduled for this Thursday that was delayed for two months. After that, I get two weeks to regain my strength and start chemo. I am NOT a happy camper.

10/15

is the date I find out if my cancer is spreading. Then, I will have to start chemotherapy which will only be a means to control the cancer from spreading everywhere. Yes, it is terminal. Do I want to die? Fuck, no! I have taken to telling the cancer in my body to get the fuck out. I made everyone promise they would not call CMH (County Mental Health services) on me for doing that. LOL. Attitude is everything when battling cancer.

I don't look sick...

do I?


But, I am. Damn!!

perfection

is what most EVERYONE expects from me. I am so sick of this. I get reamed for any little thing that I say or do that is 'out-of-line'. It makes me want to isolate myself.

people in my life...

are often quick to believe the worst about me. It always makes me sad because the information is typically wrong.

metastatic breast cancer

is my new diagnosis. It is definitely in my liver and is not curable. I may have posted something similar, but I need the repetition to help it sink in. I had surgery (three procedures) on 07/03 and am still trying to recover. I am on a new medication. It should work for the next three years. I am hoping for longer!! My body is all out of whack and I still *need* my pain meds. I am not looking forward to the day I need chemo again. I plan on fighting so that day never comes.

On a positive note, I have lost approximately thirty pounds. Food is no longer any type of obsession though I often need to remind myself to eat.

cancer confirmed

I have decided that this sucks big hairy, smelly beast balls. I am going to kick them hard and look fan-fucking-tastic while I do it. :)

Fuck cancer!

I spent yesterday with several doctors. It appears that my cancer is back and it has spread to my liver. This won't be confirmed until after next Tuesday, 07/03, when I have my gallbladder and ovaries removed. The surgeon is going to biopsy my liver at the same time, but both he and my oncologist are fairly certain it is cancer. Fortunately, I had gallbladder issues or it would not have been caught anytime soon. It did not show up on any of my bloodwork two weeks ago.

I am devastated and have my prescription of Xanax to help deal with what needs to be done until surgery next week.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Cancer sucks!

I'm a vegetarian!!

I thought about it for years so my body made the decision for me. I have lost ten pounds in less than two weeks. Maybe, I'll be pretty one day. Then I can stop playing the role of platonic female friend.

my typing skills have severely declined...

in recent months. I don't know if it is my brain or my fingers. I stopped biting my fingernails recently. Maybe that is it. Now I keep scratching myself accidentally. I'm a mess!

paige,

have you been reading my blog?

lap dances are fun

especially when the one giving it is a lovely tattooed girl.

c'mere

I completely neglected this past for several months now. WTF? I love the structure of this song. I believe new songs will be out soon!

eight years

la tortura

this makes me dance...

I don't care if you hate it!!

this song does things to me

which almost disturbs me. I'm blushing.

this still makes me laugh

pretty song

Bob would call it coffeeshop rock.

i love this song

& people are always surprised. I don't know why. It's killer.

I need some fun.

Here it is:



The Explosion are serious fun. I saw them at Warped Tour '05 at the recommendation of Fritch (AFI's merch guy). It was the best set I saw that day & I didn't even know one song. The funny thing is that Smith Puget (AFI tour manager & skater in this video) was standing next to me in the crowd. I looked over. He smiled and then was back in the crowd. I only wish I had the chance to see them open for AFI on the east coast. 'Grace' is my favorite song off of 'Black Tape.'

i don't typically let people in...

my life, my thoughts, my home... I don't what the hell is going on.

happy fourth b-day/anniversary!!

This is the one song on Sing the Sorrow that means the most to me. I hope one day to see it performed live!! For now, this will have to do...

this week sucked

mon.: car accident, but fortunately no one was injured. a minor fender bender which would have probably been my fault. my front left bumper is very noticably scraped and i was still shaken the next day.

tues.: mri humiliation/trauma. three new people saw me partially nude then i was pretty much buried alive and not allowed to move. had to get my films/cd which took forever. sat in my car at one point and made gutteral sounds. am glad no one actually saw me doing this.

wed.: mom's last chemo which she finished. learned that my sister told mom the day before her last chemo that she needs to start thinking about moving out. selfish bitch. i only have a one bedroom & i sleep in the living room.

thurs: still recovering from mri. staff meeting. told that many of the things we have been doing are not right. will need to change most of what we do and how we do it.

fri.: spent most of day in bed.

you should check out this band

The Static Age: this is from their last album which I bought for several people because I liked it so much.

looking forward to new album by

Tiger Army!! Listening to them always puts me in a good mood. I love his voice.

one of my current faves

thanks to 94.9

i dance in my kitchen to this.

It took me forever to appreciate it.

love the feel of this...

This is one of my favorite RHCP songs, not videos.

video diary is back

as I am trying to process the breast/cancer thing. This one has been haunting me since I first saw 'Last Night' by P. Diddy & Keyshia Cole. It made me think of other male/female duets that I love.