Ding dong, the wicked witch is dead (technically, gone not dead)!

"Bathed in your radiance, I melt"

may end up being my first afi tattoo. I'm thinking script located on my left wrist to look like a bracelet. Hmmm...

another one of my early crushes

that was not human was animal. I have always had a thing for the bad boys. (Well, you know what I mean.)

broadband

has allowed me access to watch videos and hear songs, finally (without days of buffering)! I think I overdosed on eighties videos this past week. Memories that have been dormant for well over a decade have been awakened. If I start wearing housecoats (or thrift store/antique dresses) with a black pocket-t and black tights with white socks and black boots, someone will need to do an intervention. Thankfully, there is little documented photographic evidence of me dressing this way in the late eighties.

First video I watched:
Slave to Love by Bryan Ferry

Second video I watched to confirm my perverse memory:
Eighties by Killing Joke (priest collar & whip marks)

Videos I watched to hear songs:
Alone Again Or (cover) by The Damned
Build by The Housemartins

Videos I have watched repeatedly:
All Night Long by Peter Murphy
Just Like Heaven by The Cure and then AFI
New Moon on Monday and Is There Something I Should Know? by Duran Duran
various AFI videos

this celluloid dream

was my first favorite non-single by AFI. I remember listening to it whilst parked in the cancer center parking lot before going in for radiation treatment. It helped me get through the last weeks of radiation.

I would hum the song and specific lyrics. In my mind, I pretended that the lovely Davey Havok was singing to me, "bathed in your radiance, I melt," during the time when I was locked in the room alone and being hit with radiation from a laser. The irony of the lyrics and the way I interpreted them at the time always elicited a smile or giggle.

During that time, I rarely smiled because I was exhausted, at least fifty pounds heavier, scarred, almost hairless, and grey-tinged from chemo. I thought that no one would ever find me attractive again.

homesick

The smell of autumn is on my mind. I miss walking in the rain as the leaves change to hues of gold, red, and orange. The chill in the air makes it necessary to wear a sweatshirt or sweater. I never carried an umbrella. I loved the feeling of getting soaked and splashing in the puddles. The smell of wet dog as Thor (german shepherd) and I frolicked. He used to knock me over by running towards me at full speed and then throwing himself at my legs or the back of my knees. I never moved out of the way because I never cared about getting messy. I miss my long hair getting soaked and whipping others in a deadly windmill for play at college where I was hugged daily. I miss the smell of cigarettes and beer mixed with a certain masculinity and sweetness that always aroused me. I miss his arms around me and the shock when he first pressed his lips against my neck in a 'friendly' gesture. I miss the night when our lips finally touched and it was more than I ever imagined I deserved. I miss that night when I denied him because our friendship meant everything. I miss his bed that he described to me over the phone recently because I belong there. I miss the changing of the leaves because that is where he is, home.

smile

This pic reminds me NOT to take things so seriously,

seriously.

it is official

Glo-babe, my mom with her new permanent nickname from me, has been officially diagnosed with her second case of breast cancer. I am numb.

closure

The stars must be aligned as most of my ex's (boyfriends/lovers/gays) have appeared in the past six months after years of no contact except the one who has been constant. Some of them I left on the other side of the country. Some of them need to stay there. Some are welcomed back with open arms. Some deserve elbows to the face. Some need to decide what is important while some already know. One is back in my life. One thinks he is, but is not. One needs to buy a plane ticket. One needs to forget my phone number. Most need to stop drinking excessively. Most need to know that I am not that complacent little girl they knew...at least, not in public. Ha.