tat idea

I found a luna moth when I was pregnant with Adair. It was so beautiful and shiny. (The luna moth first entered my life in Eric Carle's The Very Quiet Cricket which was one of my favorite children's books at the time.) It was found in a most desolate place: the parking lot of the gas station where I worked the graveyard shift (primarily weekends) which was located across from a sleazy titty bar in Bristol, PA. Crackheads, prostitutes, and drunken horny men (after the titty bar closed at 2 am) visited me throughout the night. Typically, I remained locked in the clear plexi-glass bulletproof area for most of the night. The luna moth I found died, but its image remained fixed in my mind.

This image is the picture for a myspace page for survivors and co-survivors of breast cancer. I love this image because, as cliched (add the accent) as it sounds, I can relate the whole metamorphosis imagery to my experience with breast cancer.


My tat idea is to merge the luna moth with the idea of the pink breast cancer ribbon as the body of the moth. I prefer the moth to the butterfly as I prefer the moon to the sun. I have a sun tat and have always wanted something to represent the moon as well as Adair. I also love the green color of the luna moth. I have a dragon in a similar color which looks really good against my almost translucent skin. Add hot pink for the ribbon and some embellishments in purple and blue for the 'eyes' on the wings. Deciding placement and locating a good tattoo artist who can draw up my concept are my next steps. Oh, that and saving/finding some money so I can afford it.

calm before the storm

So many thoughts running through my head what with all of my past loves whether gay or straight returning to contact me within the past six months or so. Confusion as to what to do with all of this. The one who remained constant, for the most part, wants me to be who I was not who I am. At least, I feel that way when I communicate with him. I revert back to that Shana which is not a good thing. I never thought I would get these opportunities at closure so I am completely and utterly dumbfounded. One relationship has been resolved. In my head, all but one is left. I just don't want to hurt the one who was constant. The others do not matter... anymore.

one of my first crushes

was on a blue furry monster. I still love him to this day.

yummy

Apparently, someone is having those type of thoughts about me. It is not my late night caller. Rather, it is the last one who hurt me so many years ago. And the one who hurt me before him.

it is all good

All of my tests were clear of indications of cancer! Now, I can relax & stop spazzing for a bit!

one more day

I see my oncologist tomorrow. I feel very anxious. I recently found out startling news. A woman who was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly after I started treatment has been given eighteen to thirty-six months to live as her cancer has spread to her bones. News like this is a blow to the chest. I try to remain positive but cannot help but think about the possibility that my cancer could return. I need a hug: a nice squeezy one: and a kiss on the forehead. Actually, I would settle for a ticket to street scene to see AFI. I won't hold my breath for either. Keep your fingers crossed.

playlist pt. II

I made a bonus mix for the exchange. This is my AFI related one. If you know AFI, then you will not need the last names in the descriptions because you will know exactly who I am talking about. If not, you may need to do some research if it bothers you that much.

CD SWAPMATE MIX #2 (Some of my current favorites from past and present.)
Then There Was You: Dead Or Alive (My best friend growing up was a huge DOA fan. This is my fave song of theirs. It gets stuck in one's head.)
Rose of the Devil’s Garden: Tiger Army (I only bought the first TA cd for my son because Adam played on it. I ended up stealing the cd because I enjoyed it so much. I have seen TA three times and they put on a great show. I was even in the pit at the last one which was something I would never have done previously. This was from the most recent cd. It is a pretty song.)
Everything Counts (Live): Depeche Mode (I don't know why I don't have the original version. It is bothering me. One of my favorite Depeche Mode songs. It was difficult to pick only one.)
State of Love and Trust: Pearl Jam (From the Singles soundtrack. Pearl Jam's Ten is stellar. This song is fun and always gets me singing along.)
Ocean Size: Jane’s Addiction (One of my favorite bands and song.)
New Mistake: Jellyfish (I love this band. I still listen to both of their cds. There is not a song I do not like from them.)
Ask: The Smiths (One of the most playful Smiths songs & definitely in my top ten.)
Here Comes Your Man: The Pixies (Classic song. No other explanation necessary. If I ever get married, I want my man to walk down the aisle to me with this playing.)
Grace: The Explosion (Fritch told me to see them play when I went to Warped tour last year as they are friends with AFI. Great band and so very energetic. I bought the cd: Black Tape and it is one of my recent favorites. I listen to it when I work out & it keeps me up for the cardio. Just a fun band. During their Warped set, I looked next to me and Smith was standing there smiling.)
Sometimes: Erasure ( I have always loved song. What is not to love?)
Lips Like Sugar: Echo & the Bunnymen (One of my favorite artists & classic songs. Saw them perform this live.)
Cuts You Up: Peter Murphy (I like Bauhaus, but Peter Murphy's solo efforts always were more my style. This is one of my favorites.)
Dress: P.J. Harvey (She is the ultimate female artist for me. I prefer her first two albums because of the emotional aspects and memories. Saw her live and it was amazing. If someone breaks your heart, I recommend listening to Rid of Me. It is an angry emotional album which does not allow any time for self-pity.)
Out of Town: Hunter Revenge (Hunter's side project with him singing if you haven't heard this before. This is my favorite song on the cd. I dance in my kitchen to it.)
Spellbound: Siouxsie & the Banshees (I didn't appreciate this band until recently, but I absolutely love this song.)
Just Like Heaven: The Cure (I can remember when I was actually sick of this song because it was overplayed in college. It was always a fave of mine, and I love AFI's cover. The Cure were a very close second to The Smiths as my favorite band of the eighties.)
Big Neon Glitter: The Cult (One of Davey's favorite songs, but was one of my faves from high school. Saw them live in 1986 & again in 2006.)
Vertigo: The Static Age (Jade remixed a song on their cd. I love the singer's voice and lyrics. They are good live & have an album coming out in September.)

playlist

I made this cd for an exchange on the AFI board.

CD SWAPMATE MIX #1 (One version of my eighties mainly learned from the time when Mtv actually showed videos all day long. My friends and I would wait for hours to just see that one video we loved.)
House of Fun: Madness (Saw the video endlessly. Didn't enjoy it until now.)
Don’t Change: INXS (Loved the video and the band. AFI did a cover.)
Every Word Means No: Let’s Active (Video had puppies in it. Loved the album.)
A Million Miles Away: The Plimsouls (Valley Girl: the movie made me like this song & band.)
Train in Vain: The Clash (Classic song. No explanation necessary.)
Digging Your Scene: The Blow Monkeys (Loved the video & the song.)
Desperate But Not Serious: Adam Ant (I was always intrigued by Mr. Ant. This video made me laugh.)
Coffee in Bed: Squeeze (Classic song. Video was very plain.)
Damaged Goods: Gang of Four (Don't remember hearing this when it originally came out, but I absolutely love it now. It makes me want to dance around and I do.)
Rusholme Ruffians: The Smiths (My favorite band of the eighties. I love the feel of this song. No video that I can recall, but I wore out all of my Smiths albums.)
Poison Arrow: ABC (Cheesy and gold lame outfits. Was not a favorite until I was older.)
Never Say Never: Romeo Void (Black & White video. Very catchy song & racy when I was younger.)
Boys in Town: Divinyls (Lead singer had a light stick that she slammed into ground. She wore the whole school girl outfit before Britney was born. The woman was attitude.)
This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody): Talking Heads ( Not a big TH fan until recent years. Love the song!)
Tenderness: General Public (Loved this song.)
Talk Talk: Talk Talk (This video was played constantly.)
Love and Pride: King (Only knew this song from the short-lived video, but it is catchy.)
My Ever Changing Moods: The Style Council (Video played constantly. One of my favorite songs of all time.)
Hang On Now: Kajagoogoo (Loved this song & video more than 'Too Shy' but it never did well.

underwear not-so trauma

In college, I had three (straight) friends who played water polo and lived on the same wing together of the coed dorm I inhabited. Two of them shared a room and the third lived across the hall. All three were hot in their own way. Jeff was the man of my dreams. He was polite and sweet and knew how to dress. I never knew a man could be like that. I always thought he was more than I deserved. (I was a fool.) Matt was younger and looked like a model. I was never attracted to him as I always thought of him as young even though he was only two years younger. Greg was my secret lust. He was sweet but always played the bad boy as well as the bass guitar. Greg and I argued about everything but always hugged and made up. That was the best part. He ended up as my late night caller. (I introduced Greg and Jeff. Matt ended up in the right place at the right time.)

Typically, I worked as a security guard on Friday or Saturday night. After midnight, I checked the i.d.'s of the drunks and horny people who needed to get into Gaige Hall. Earlier that night, I would visit with my boys in Greg/Jeff's room while they drank Coors and got ready for the night. Initially, everyone was dressed during this time. However, one time I was in huge amounts of pain and the superdose of Motrin was not helping. I ended up crying or on the verge of tears. Jeff told me to stay while he took a shower. When he returned, he was only in boxers. They were blue with yellow polka dots. I almost died. He was my fantasy man. I was speechless, but managed a smile. He started dancing for me in the most ridiculous manner. I could not help but laugh. This started the trend.

Eventually, all three of them would hang out in their undies. Sometimes, I was forced to see the tighty-whiteys. I think they attempted to convince me that it was fine for me to strip down to my undies, but that never happened. That Christmas, I bought Jeff a pair of Victoria Secret's silk paisley boxers, Greg a pair of VS patterned boxers, and Matt a pair of VS cotton boxers with fleur-de-lis on them. They were going to buy me a bra and panty set, but did not have the balls to go through with it. I ended up getting a Ramones tape. Too bad, I teased them that I would have worn the gift they originally planned. I guess we will never know.