11/09: code blue

My first round of chemo was scheduled for this date. My port was stilll healing and I was cranky because I could not shower due to the port procedure. A friend accompanied me to my first chemo which was alien to me as I had always driven myself to my other appointments four years ago. She and I laughed and joked about wigs from a cancer catalogue. I was anxious and tired, but I had been through this before and was not overly concerned. When they started the chemo, I felt okay. When the nurse increased the rate of the iv drip, I felt horrible. It was like what I imagined a painful death to be. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I sat up and then suddenly felt and heard things but had no control. I remember hearing "CRASH CART" and thinking "HELL NO!!!... NO! NO! NO!" I opened my eyes and saw the whole ICU staff surrounding my bed. Apparently, my blood pressure had plummeted to sixty over forty and I had lost consciousness. FUCK!

11/07

I had to get a port implanted under my skin on the left side of my chest to access an artery because my veins are scarred and traumatized by all the previous chemos and blood draws. Things were arranged very quickly and either I did not hear the directions or things were not explained properly and in detail because I ended up having to get this thing surgically implanted WITHOUT sedation. Only local numbing was used. I was completely anxious so they made a 'tent' of sterile dressings for me. I could FEEL the pressure and needles going into me. The only thing that got me through this forty-five minute procedure was humming/moaning/whimpering a medley of AFI songs. I am dead serious. It had to sound like something dying, but the nurse told me that she enjoyed my 'medley' and that I entertained her. In my terror, I could only really remember STS and DU songs.