i have a crush

on a girl. It feels real, but I am not certain. It has been such a long time since anyone asked me about me. (I have very self-centered friends.) She wants to know more about me and I want to tell her.

afi

I was going through grueling cancer treatments and could not find anything (music or otherwise) that comforted me. From the start of my treatments, I kept being drawn to the group because Davey (lead singer) reminds me of someone I love dearly from college (my late night caller). I vaguely remember hearing them and seeing their videos. When I was at my lowest point, emotionally and physically from the chemo & radiation & other stresses brought on, I bought STS (Sing the Sorrow). Once I started listening, I could not stop. I fell in love with the music and lyrics. It calmed and comforted me in ways I cannot even describe. Chemo completely fucked my memory and thought process. The texture, layers, and intricacy of the music and lyrics intrigued me and forced me to think and process thoughts and ideas which helped my mind return to me. Their music (all of their cds) continues to help me deal with my diagnosis of breast cancer and quell the fear that it could return.

consolation prize

I always feel that people, primarily men, see me as this. I am the one who is always there when the other ones, the wanted ones, have left. I am the one who listens really well and points out different perspectives. I offer support and comfort when no one else is there. I am loyal. I am here even after you hurt me. I know you love me, just not like that. I am forever the friend, lover, buddy...never the girlfriend, sweetheart, or wife. I make you laugh and feel good about yourself. I believe you when you say you are sorry. I am sweet. I am nice. I am alone.

my b-day

Tomorrow's my b-day (or possibly tonight if it takes me too long to write this!) and this has been the best one ever. It is difficult for me to be the center of attention, but I often crave it. I gave in and requested the traditional 'friends going out to celebrate it' birthday. This was the first time in my life since my thirteenth or fourteenth birthday that I have had a group of people celebrate with me and it was so very great. We went out on Friday. Actually, I have spent a good portion of the month celebrating. It started with the AFI show in Ventura. Tomorrow at 11:59pm it ends, but I am going to enjoy the attention while it lasts.

freddy

You wound like a straight man. It is cruel.

changes

I do not know what is going on, but something in my world has shifted for the better. I hate to write it for fear that it will be taken away. As much as I express that I am invisible and not heard, I find that being seen and heard is much more frightening. I have rarely gotten what I have wanted. When I have, I spent a lot of time worrying that it was going to disappear instead of enjoying the moment. It is strange to me. I even look around to see if it is a reality rather than an imaginary place. Yet, I am still me.

invisible

By no means should I be easily missed as I am almost six feet tall with more than ample padding especially in the lower region. Yet, people continually walk into or step on me as if I do not exist. I can be quiet, but this is ridiculous. I even had one woman scream at me for cutting in line when I was standing in front of her for more than five minutes. Am I a ghost? I think not, though I am really pale and can pass for a natural redhead. I just do not understand. Please, see me. Someone...just look, I am here. I exist.

mute

After today, I think I am going to stop talking unless it is absolutely necessary. Also, I realized that I must have been a courtesan in a previous life. If I could, I would run away.

romancing the stone

My friend, Matt, used to tell me that I reminded him of Kathleen Turner's character in this movie. The funny thing is that I become more like her (at the beginning of the movie) when I'm around hetero men. It happened again earlier this week.

the crystal ball

This is the second print by John William Waterhouse that I own. I love the details of this painting. The dress is exquisite. I can imagine myself in that time period. I have been told by others that I do not belong in this century.